WARNING! Don’t Move to Florida! | Born To Ride Motorcycle Magazine - Motorcycle TV, Radio, Events, News and Motorcycle Blog

WARNING! Don’t Move to Florida!

Published on March 3, 2022 under Blog
WARNING! Don’t Move to Florida!

Hey there, my Born To Ride friends. Mother Nature blessed us with great riding weather for Thunder by the Bay and Charlotte’s Web Mardi Gras parties. Human Nature overwhelmed us with great friends, old and new, for both events.

The traffic on I-75 was brutal both weekends and riding on Mike’s shoulder or the backrest of the Fat Bird 3 wasn’t helping the situation. Between the rubbernecking, people speeding up and slowing down to take pictures or just honking and waving, was almost overwhelming for Mike. A lot of those vehicles had out-of-state tags.

Believe it when I say a thousand-plus people are migrating into Florida every day.
 I just want to give a fair squawking to those that are planning on moving here.
Before you come to our area and live, y’all must be aware of what is happening here. There’s a housing shortage, rent has doubled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers. Not to mention the snowbirds who haven’t been coming down because of covid are returning in droves.
But if your intentions are only to vacation and enjoy our waterways, beaches, and state parks, come spend your money, but take my cackling into consideration. The red ants, fire ants, and bed bugs have infested hotels, motels, and Air B&Bs across the area due to a dryer-than-usual winter. There has been a poor supply of pesticides and people to administer them.
Keep a close eye on your young ones, both two and four legged. Bobcats and coyotes have been seen eating domesticated animals and some small children. The local bear, deer, and iguana population are all ‘in heat’ and think that your wife/girlfriend/daughter is hot. The poison ivy has overtaken all other vegetation, except for the abundance of psilocybin mushrooms, marijuana farms, and palm trees.

 Mike has told me there have been bear sightings at every park in town and some cougars hanging around motel rooms preying on Gen X boys. Watch out for the jackalopes, although cute and relatively harmless, they have been aggressively using their horns this mating season. If you’re swimming in the gulf, we’ve had a big influx of Leafy Sea Dragons and Purple People Eaters.

 There have been various sightings of Bigfoot in our forests, and skunks are spraying small children should they dare enter the thick palmetto undergrowth around the playgrounds.

 Raccoons, snakes, and lizards have made their way out of the trailer parks and multiplied at unprecedented rates. They wander the local campgrounds, bingo halls, and bars in packs looking for northern meat in town.

 Murder hornets!?! We’ve got huge black clouds of murder hornets, flying ants, and swarms of Mormon crickets that make our mosquitoes and no-see-ums look like welcomed pests. Over the years, many unaware travelers brought in Alabama lubber grasshoppers who eat everything green in sight between St. Patrick’s Day and Earth Day.

 Scorpions have been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, and automobiles, waiting to put their stinger in a human. They are now far more dangerous than any old mans’ stinger who you can find hanging out at the many VFW’s, American legions, or Moose lodges in the area. These scorpions are so dangerous that they have overtaken the tarantulas and brown recluse spiders that have been hiding in peoples shoes and clothing, biting them when they are unaware.

 Mike has told me that all the private tiger owners have released their cats into the streets of Tampa Bay due to the shortage of meat, in hopes they’ll find food. Head lice now fly, right beside the bats and seagulls.

 Speaking of my cousins the sky rats, they will flock in masses and dive bomb you in a heartbeat if you decide to picnic at the beach. Be forewarned, any kids under the age of ten who are waiving edibles on the coastline, may become part of the food chain.

 All this has driven the Florida native wildlife crazy. I’ve been doing my part by jumping on their backs and riding them to safety. Directing them away from the insanity of human migration and species demise.

 So, if you are moving here, you’ve been warned! Please consider staying put in your own state, county, or province where it’s safe and you’ve got friends! For vacationers, I say, bring cash and leave broke!

 Mike babbles, “Good going, Spyke! Now that you’ve intimidated half the country about moving to or vacationing in Florida, I must remove you from behind the keyboard and onto the scoot. It’s time to get your wings in the wind, my knees in the breeze, and the Fat Bird 3 wheels rolling down the road.”  

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