Gearin’ up for a Greasy Good Time | Born To Ride Motorcycle Magazine - Motorcycle TV, Radio, Events, News and Motorcycle Blog

Gearin’ up for a Greasy Good Time

Published on February 2, 2022 under Blog
Gearin’ up for a Greasy Good Time

Oh my God! The year 2022 is turning into a crap show. Not because Mike isn’t maintaining his resolutions, but now we’re getting milk from plants. They’re trying to do away with my second-best farm animal friend, the cow. I have a real beef with a company out of Israel called Remilk that makes animal-free dairy proteins out of precise fermentation. It’s udderly ridiculous and sounds like the start of a good wine to me. But what do I know, I’m just a bird who opens beers, then eats beef, bread, french fries, pork chops and chicken wings. I’m not particular, I just like to eat.

Man, I don’t want to move on to a flexitarian lifestyle. I like my meat, cheese, milk and ice cream just the way mother nature intended them to be made. Straight out of the cow and straight out of Compton. Mike raised me in the ‘back on the farm’ days and I plan on staying in the ‘back on the farm’ days.

First they started with the meatless Whopper at Burger King. Now they’re going to make chickenless fried Chicken? How can that be? The Colonel must be rolling over in his grave because of fowl play. There’s no substitute for my favorite barnyard animal or feathered cousin.

If you’re going to KFC, then you should be looking for real chicken to eat, not an imitation of me that pulls apart like a piece of rubber and has an aftertaste of nothing. If tofu is your go-to, then you shouldn’t step foot in a Popeye’s or Burger King. Go back to Whole Foods or Earth Fare and exchange recipes with the rest of your gaggle of veggie-loving contemptuous libtards.

Mike cuts me off saying, “Woah now, Chicken Little with a big voice. Who pulled on your tail feathers today and made you such a comedi-hen? You need to build up your hen-durance with thicker chicken skin. Spyke, you don’t have to worry, I’ll feed you what mom fed me and what grandma fed her. Even though I won’t be eating like a king and everything in sight, I’m not going to turn you into a garden gobbler.”

I cackle, “Dude, that’s great but you’re scaring me. I just looked in your refrigerator and you’ve got a quart of Harmless Harvest organic dairy-free coconut yogurt alternative, some Trader Joe’s dairy-free cheese alternative and Morning Star vegan breakfast sausages. What gives?”

Mike babbles, “Okay, okay, Spyke, you got me. I did buy a few things vegan but it’s to help with my diet, not to my total dietary intake. Don’t worry, I won’t change your eating lifestyle, I’m just adjusting mine. I may have failed on a few of my New Year’s promises already but I’m holding on to my caloric intake resolution.

Remember when we went to Gibtown a few weeks ago? We both had the awesome, grease-dripping cheeseburger and fries that are well-known there. Every time we go to Quaker Steak & Lube for bike night, I get both of us chicken wings to eat and you get to stand on my bud. Coming up next month we will be at Thunder by the Bay down in Sarasota. All your friends and I will be sharing with you massive amounts of carnie junk food until your crop is full and bulging in the VIP area.”

I crow, “Man, I can’t wait until then. And you’re right, it’s VIP for me – Very Important Parrot area! That’s the beginning of a squawkin’ good time. We always see a lot of our southern friends and get to make thousands of awesome memories.”

Mike breaks in, “It’s going to be a whole lot of partying going on within three days. There are various tribute bands playing: Tom Petty, Bon Jovi, Ozzy Osborne, and Chicago. Headliner for Saturday night will be the real band FireHouse!

Inside Robarts arena Choppertown Live will be in full swing with custom motorcycles, vehicles and a 17 class bike show. Just outside, for you smokers and loud music enthusiasts, there’ll be a burnout contest and a motorcycle stereo sound off contest. Over 100 vendors will have all the good stuff for sale including for you Spyke, rows and rows of carnie food.”

I cackle, “Mmmmm carnie food. I’m going to be a carni-vore all weekend. No vegan, man-made, imitation food coming from those vendors. Just some good ol’ high calorie, high cholesterol, high carbohydrate, high saturated fat, and overly sugary goodness going on. None of which is in your diet plan, Mike.”

He bellows, “Thanks for making my salivary glands kick in, Spyke. Now you’ve got me craving some good tasting bad stuff and making my belly feel two bites short of a whole Whopper. Let’s make like a bread truck and haul buns out of here. We need to get your wings in the wind, my knees in the breeze, and the Fat Bird 3 wheels rolling down the road in search of the next chicken wing joint.”

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