A Spyke & Mike Christmas
It’s that joyous time of year, my Born To Ride friends. Just be safe and careful. Most of all, be responsible and do like Mike did, to a point. I’ll let him explain.
Mike says, “Thanks for putting me on the spot, Spyke. Everyone, please be aware of your surroundings this holiday season. I went to a Christmas party and happily joined in on the festivities. I had a few beers, a few shots, and a few Holiday drinks. Thus getting very intoxicated.
But, before becoming totally inebriated and making a fool of myself, I realized that I was over the limit. So, I did what I’ve never done before, I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a sobriety checkpoint on the way. But being in a cab, they just waved it through. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before! I don’t even know where I got it from. Now that it’s in my garage, I just don’t know what to do with it!”
Spyke cackles, “Only you, Mike, only you. In honor of your idiotic decisions, I wrote a jingle to the tune of, It’s the Most Wonderful time of the Year.”
It’s the most wonderful time to drink beer.
When the brew starts flowin’
And frothy heads growin’ in cups of good cheer!
It’s the most wonderful time to drink beer.
It’s the hap-happiest season for Mike.
When his good friends throw a bash
And they get really smashed
‘Till they’re blowin’ up chunks
It’s the hap-happiest season for drunks.
Switch to vodka and gin
With your friends then begin
To go stumbling around in the sand.
Then at the parties your lit
And the girls get all blitzed
From eggnog they’ve got in their hand.
It’s the most wonderful time to drink beer
For Solo cups they’ll beg
And lines form for the keg
Mike’s not seeing things real clear.
It’s the most wonderful time to drink beer
Switch to vodka and gin
With your friends then begin
To go stumbling around in the sand.
Then at the parties your lit
And the girls get all blitzed
From eggnog they’ve got in their hand.
It’s the most wonderful time to drink beer
For Solo cups they’ll beg
And lines form for the keg
Mike’s not seeing real clear
It’s the most wonderful time…
Yes, the best get drunk time…
It’s the Yule-phoric time of the year!’
Mike says, “Well Spyke, I kinda wish it was that Yule-phoric. It was more Covid-phoric and drove me to create this jingle. It’s written to the tune of, The 12 Days of Christmas.”
In the year 2020 the virus gave to me:
12 face masks
11 canceled trips
10 sanitizers
9 curbside pickups
8 zoom calls
7 mental breakdowns
6 feet apart
5 pairs of gloves
4 nasal swabs
3 travel restrictions
2 weeks quarantine
And a massive shortage of TP
“Now Spyke,” Mike goes on, “you know I’m not super religious, but in years past, I really enjoyed going down to the local church and checking out the Christmas presentation. There will be no nativity scene this year because the three wise men face a travel ban. All the shepherds have been furloughed. The Inn Keeper had to shut down because of tier 3 regulations and a slump in bookings. Mary and Joseph pulled Jesus out of preschool. And all the Angels were grounded due to possible spreading of the virus.
What’s worse is that Santa won’t be flying because he would break the rule of six with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen. As for Rudolph with that red nose, he will be getting tested and quarantined.”
Spike cackles, “That about sums it up, Mike. But I got to tell you, a lot of people don’t get the face mask thing. So, I’m going to put it in human layman terms. If you walk around nude and someone pees on you, you’ll get wet. If you wear pants, and someone pees on you, you’re partially protected. If the guy peeing on you wears his pants, he pees IN his pants, and you don’t get wet. Now, let’s hope everyone gets the principal! Also, it doesn’t help having some states on lockdown and some states not. It’s like having a peeing section in the pool!
And whoever thought the comment, ‘I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-ft pole,’ would become a national policy, but here we are!”
“So, while we can still be out and about, get my feathered ass into the truck, get your knees under the keys, and get its wheels rolling down the road. The virus can’t catch us in the wind!”
—SPYKE